Let's be honest.

Yes, this blog has really, really, gone  down hill.  Sigh.  I remember the days when posting was on my short list of things to do.  Now, it hasn't even made the long list.  The good news is I've been very busy. That is also the bad news.  Somehow this Fall I became a working mom.  It's been two years since I officially started my business, but up until now, it really was a part time/when I have time thing.  Well, orders picked up, more requests came in, and I just kept saying yes.  But here's the thing... I'm still a full time mom.  Yes, Aubrey is in school most of the day now, but Henry is still home more than he is at pre-school.  I'm still the one that has to get everyone where they need to be on time, the one that needs to feed everyone, clean, play, console, make appointments, do laundry, document milestones, etc.  I have volunteer commitments too with the Junior League and at the kids' schools.  I am also a Deacon at our church.  Plus, I've been undergoing alternative treatment for my aching back and hip (and it's not fun I tell you).

So, I am going to admit that I let things get out of control.  I thought I could do it all.  I want to be able to do it all.  I still want to be the one to do all of those things I mentioned above. But the reality is this...  I was staying up some nights until 1 or 2am to get work done.  Family "meals" have become somewhat of a joke.  Brian and I are lucky if we get any time to really talk after the kids are in bed, and when we do, it's usually me saying that I am so swamped and stressed and sad that I can't get everything done.  The funny part about all of this was that when I started my business, it was designed to bring more joy to my life.  I was in the throws of toddlerhood.  It was exhausting!  I didn't (and still don't) enjoy the daily grind of household chores, and I needed some sort of outlet of my own.  But I did not NOT want to be a stay at home mom.  I did not want to hand over control of the parenting part of my day.  I would gladly hand over the cleaning, which I have finally done on a regular basis, but what ended up happening was that I started doing almost everything I was doing before AND building a business.  Initially the joy and excitement of sharing my talents carried me along.  But the balance has shifted, and basically, there is no balance.

On paper, I had a very successful year (especially considering we didn't pay a nanny, or for childcare for me to operate the business).  But my body and mind tell a very different story.  I completed my holiday orders last week. Whew.  That is when it hit me.   I hadn't started Christmas shopping.  I hadn't taken any decent photographs of my own family this fall for our Christmas card.  I hadn't updated this blog since SEPTEMBER!  I hadn't had a relaxed playdate with my kids in who knows how long.  I had missed out on time with friends. My whole body hurt, I was completely exhausted, my immune system was down, and I ended up in bed for two straight days this weekend with strep throat. I am crying "uncle!"

Whoever said that women can have it all lied.  LIED I tell you.  No one can have it all.  Everyone has to sacrifice.  We are all in too much of a hurry.  We all think we are in control.  I pray that this Christmas will not come and go in a hurry.  I want to cherish this time off with my family.  There is so much suffering in the world.  Why do I create my own suffering when I can choose some moments of peace?  Can you tell I have been reading a book about being a hurried mom?  (It's great, by the way... Mitten Strings for God, and it's even better that I have time to read it).  I love being a mom. It is HARD, but I do love it.  I love being creative, but it doesn't have to make every other part of my life more difficult.  I can find a balance, and I'm going to take some time this next month to make sure I don't get completely off track again.  I'm going to stop putting pressure on myself to do it all.  So if I don't update this blog that much... oh well.  Right?  Going to take some time to live again: to play cars on the floor with Henry, to listen to Aubrey read to me (and REALLY listen), to pray more, to love my husband more, and to just LIVE more.  I hope you will too.

Merry Christmas!